YTSK II: Chapter XXIV
In Universe Date: 25 December 2021
Yan is being followed by a Russian ambassador as she navigates the hallways of the capitol.
"Yan, you've been president for 8 months now. Why have you not defeated Mapperdonia yet? You should've defeated them by now, yet since September they have actually reversed Videmapistani gains and slowly retaken the occupied areas."
"Well, we've been suffering weapons shortages."
"Weapons shortages? But Yan, you have captured enough Mapperdonian POWs and abducted enough civilains to build 7 new factories. How can you have weapons shortages with industrial power *like that?*"
"We've been using the slave labour on other things", Yan says before she opens the door to the president's office, filled with thousands of Miku Hatsune figurines.
"Yan... please don't tell me you used the slave labour on... this." "Well, I did. I think the figurines are really cute." "Yan, what the fuck." "LOOK, I DON'T JUDGE YOUR HOBBIES!"
A moment of silence develops. The ambassador scans the room with his eyes, and finds an unusual Miku box, with a human body part stuck behind the plastic around the Miku figurine. "Why is there a finger inside this box?" "Oh, that? Well, you see, sometimes slave labourers who make Miku toys refuse to work unless we give them petty luxuries like food, sleep or water, so their fingers are cut off in order to keep them compliant. This one is smaller than usual because it's from a child slave labourer."
The ambassador gives Yan a face filled with revulsion. "Can you... take it out of my sight, please? This is disgusting." "Sure!", Yan says cheerfully. She opens the figurine box, takes out the finger, puts it in her mouth, and swallows it. She lets out a sigh of relief. "Aaaaaahh, human flesh. Probably the most underrated delicacy of the modern world."
The ambassador's jaw drops and he gives wide eyes. "Y-y-you know.... The problem... the-the... thing I... I-I'm uhhh..." The ambassador stops, sighs and collects himself. "Ms. Yan, I'm not here to talk about your Miku obsession. What I need you to know, is that when we support a given side in an armed conflict, we have an expectation that our partners will make a serious effort to, you know, *win*. So, I am here to tell you that Russian forces will commence a withdrawal from Videomapistan, effective 1st of January, 2022."
"God-damnit."
"It's not just that this war isn't going anywhere, it's also that we're planning a special operation in February of 2022 and want to concentrate our forces elsewhere."
"What kind of 'special operation'? Are you planning to launch some sort of invasion? Ukraine, perhaps?" "Uh, no."
"Yeah, of course not. It was silly of me to suggest. You know, my entire school of political thought is the Boring Doctrine. Which is that whatever happens, will always be the least interesting of all possible options. Russia not invading Ukraine is more boring than Russia invading Ukraine, therefore it will happen." "Uh yeah, sure."
"Anyway, since you'll be withdrawing on new years', does that means I have authority over the Russian expeditionary force until then?" "Yes." "Alright. I will launching one last offensive to capture Cartograville and incur a crippling blow against Mapperdonia. I will be relying on Russia's support." "Alright, good luck."
Yan and the ambassador leave the room. Afterwards, a bat exits the door and navigates the hallways before entering Shusha's room. After the bat lands on his forearm, Shusha takes off a tiny microphone which is attached to the bat's right leg, before connecting it to his computer. "The entire conversation was recorded. Well done, Dodo." Shusha chuckles. "I mean, *Jerry*."
Shusha proceeds to listen to conversation. He hears everything about the weapons shortages, Miku figurine production, the end of Russian intervention, and the last offensive on Cartograville. He opens signal and tells Tenax (who is still in Cartograville) everything.
Tenax is shocked. "We need to do something." Violet is calm. "I guess it's time to launch our attack on R'lyeh. It's a good thing that we're getting this news on Christmas because now we can summon Santa to ask for a biology textbook." DH: "And how do you want to do that?"
Tenax smirks. "We just hold our hands and chant our belief in Santa in unison."
"There is one problem", DH says. "Yan tore off my left arm back in April." "Then I guess we'll just have to exclude you."
Tenax, Zed, Violet, and DRM go outside and hold each others' hands while standing in a circle.
"I believe in Santa Claus", Tenax says.
"*I believe in Santa Claus!*", Zed says, a bit louder.
"I BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS!!", Violet says, even louder.
"I uhhh..." (giggles) "....believe in Santa Claus", DRM says murkily.
Tenax is frustrated. "DRM, what was that?"
"Well honestly, this is pretty silly. You know Santa isn't real, right?"
"DRM, the ritual only works if you're stating your belief sincerely. You have to push yourself. Try as hard as you can to regain your faith in Santa."
"Alright, I'll try."
The squad gathers again.
"I believe in Santa Claus", Tenax says.
"*I believe in Santa Claus!*", Zed says, a bit louder.
"I believe in Santa Claus!!", Violet says, even louder.
"*I BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS!!!*", DRM screams.
They pause for a moment, before continuing.
"WE BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS!", they say in unison.
"*WE BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS!!*", they say louder.
"*WE BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS!!!*", they scream.
Suddenly, a heavy thunderstrike can be heard a few hundred meters away. A blizzard envelops the squad, and it becomes 10 degrees colder. Snow falls from the sky and is carried everywhere by the heavy storm.
The squad begins to hear the angelic singing of Christmas music.
Up in the sky, a bright spot can be seen. It constantly seems to grow brighter and closer.
Santa Claus arrives in his sleigh, carried by flying reindeer. As he hovers in the air, he speaks to the squad:
"Ho-ho-ho! I am Santa Claus, the eternal lord of the north pole!", he says, his voice echoing through the air. "State your wish."
Tenax exclaims loudly: "I wish for a biology textbook to defeat Yan Xishan!"
Santa's eyes glow brightly. "Your wish has been granted"; a present box proceeds to magically materialize in his hands. Santa then throws the present box at Tenax, who catches it in the palm of his hands.
"Ho-ho-ho! 'Till we meet again!", Santa says before flying off into the sky and disappearing. Afterwards, the blizzard disappears and it's just mildly cold again.
Tenax brings the present back to the house, and unpacks the biology textbook.
"You know there were a million easier ways to get your hands on a biology textbook than waiting 8 months to ask Santa, right?", DH says scornfully. "Yeah but this is more fun", Tenax says.
Violet speaks up. "Well guys, since a new Videomapistani offensive will be launched soon, I am going to Orion's palace. I intend to discuss strategy with him tomorrow. Cya."
*To be continued...*